When Writers Throw Characters Under The Bus
by kitten007
Summary: Full Title: What would happen if CM Actually threw Ghostella or Snobward under the nearest bus, 14 wheeler, or speeding motorcycle. This is the result of not enough sleep & too much fun. Crackfic of: The Ghost of You by Crimsonmarie.
1. The One Where Edward Falls Out A Window

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all publicly recognizable characters and related things from the Twilight Universe. Crimsonmarie owns the orginal Ghostella, Snobward and all other characters we'll be introduced to. *I* have taken it upon myself to completely screw with both universes. Before you light pitchforks and sharpen torches, know that I've cleared it with CM on twitter and gchat that she is in fact supportive of me writing this story.

Link to Cm's version: fanfiction [dot] net/s/5946705/1

Enough of the boring stuff. Onto the fun.

_**

* * *

FORKS FORUM ................................................................ May 6, 2010**_

_**Obituaries**_

_**Edward (Snobward) Cullen**__, born June 20, 1992, deceased May 4, 2010. _

_He is survived by his parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen. The Cullen family had only recently moved into Olympic Peninsula. Growing up in California, Edward Cullen was not familiar with the slow pace of Forks. The change seems to have caused a sudden and severe onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Edward Cullen jumped out of the second story window of the old Swan Residence. _

_In lieu of flowers the family has requested donations be made to Volvo, as Edward's most valued possession in his short, unfulfilled life was Victoria the Volvo _

_For more articles and news throughout the week, please visit us online at ForksForum._

***crumples paper***

"Crimsonmarie!" Bella cried. "What is this rag talking about? Edward jumped out of the window?!"

"What are you talking about? I didn't write him jumping out a window!" Crimsonmarie replied. "Let me see that paper!"

She snatched the paper from Bella's ghost hands. After spending five minutes trying to smooth out the paper just right, so it would be as close to perfect as possible, she scanned the front page for this story about a suicidal teenage boy.

"Bella, what are you talking about? I'm sure Edward is just fine. He's always been a pain in the ass. Maybe he went out to find a replacement for Vic-"

"Check. The. O. Bit. Uaries."

Crimsonmarie scanned further back and dropped the paper when she read the headline: _OBITUARIES MAY 6, 2010. _"Say it ain't so! Another old lady died? Who's going to take care of all her cats?!"

"CEEE EMMM!!!" Bella huffed in frustration.

"Ugh, fine. I'll read more. I don't see what you're so worked up over. You didn't like him anyways," Crimsonmarie said with a roll of her eyes. "Oh! I guess he really did jump out a window. Huh. Wonder why he did that."

Bella and Crimsonmarie both turned suddenly when the front door flew open, and hit the wall with such force, the china cabinet that housed a complete porcelain set of 101 Dalmatians figurines toppled over and smashed them all to bits.

"I'll tell you what happened!" A very angry Edward announced, while dramatically pointing a finger at Bella. "She snuck up on me one too many times last night."

"Me?" Bella asked innocently. "You're not supposed to be able to see me. Hello! I'm a ghost? REMEMBER!?"

"Well, obviously that didn't work out so well," he said with a pointed look at Crimsonmarie.

"Oh don't you go getting all Prickward on me," Crimsonmarie said. "I only write what you people tell me to. I can't help it if you decide that you suddenly want to see ghosts. Get it? Got it? Good."

Crimsonmarie lit up a cigarette and proceeded to blow smoke hearts around the room.

"Ugh. Do you mind?" Edward huffed, while Bella rolled her eyes.

"What? Not like it affects you. You're dead, remember?"

"Yea, but I obviously still have to be here. I don't need smoke getting into my awesome ghost-fit.

"Edward, what the fuck are you going on about?" Bella sighed. "Ghost fit? Seriously. I've been a ghost longer and there is no such thing."

"Well, what would you call this then?"

"It's part of who you are. It isn't going to be ruined by a little smoke." She replied.

"Thank you." Crimsonmarie said.

"Oh. No. Don't go thanking me. You went and killed Edward. NOW who is going to be able to see us and figure this crazy situation out? You? Hah. You're just as crazy as the rest of us."

"I. I…" Crimsonmarie trailed off in a huff. "Whatever. Bee Tee Double You. Snobward. You still didn't tell us what really happened. How the hell do you just fall out of a window?"

"Apparently Mom opened them all to "air out" the house. Some bullshit about Feng shui or whatever. Obviously it didn't "calm the energies" in the house. More like awoke them."

"Interesting. So, did it hurt much?" Bella asked.

"Did what hurt?" Edward and Crimsonmarie asked in unison. Edward looked at Crimsonmarie.

Crimsonmarie shrugged. "What? I'm not writing this shit."

"Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven and into Purgatory?" Bella replied.

Crimsonmarie giggled and Edward glared.

"If anything," he said. "I fell from Purgatory into Hell"

"Okay. I've had enough of you two. Ghostella, go haunt someone else for a while. GhostSnobward, go pull the stick out of your ass. I need to find a certain someone and have a nice long chat about what I will and will not be subjected to!"

On that note, Crimsonmarie stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind her. The previously shattered cabinet of porcelain 101 Dalmatian figurines was molecularly fused back together with the force of the impact.

"101 Dalmatians?" Edward asked, incredulously.

"Don't look at me Snobward. They aren't mine. And this sure as fuck isn't my house." Ghostella replied.

"If they aren't yours, whose are they?" He asked, in awe.

"I think they belong to whoever owns this house. Ah-DUHRRR."

"And who owns the house? Gosh, do I have to spell it out for you?" Edward replied.

"Maybe." Bella replied, and stuck her tongue out at him.

"W-h-o. O-w-n-s. T-h-e. H-o-u-s-e?" Edward spelled.

"Omg. Edward. I didn't mean that you actually had to spell the words. You are ridiculous. I can't believe I'm stuck with you. Who doesn't check to see if their windows are closed before going to sleep in a new place for the first time?"

"I didn't expect to see some ghost popping up out of nowhere. Who does that, anyways?"

The ghosts were brought out of their squabbles when the door flew open once again.

Carlilse was muttering to himself. "Such a long day at the hospital. You'd think moving out of California would make for shorter days, but noooo." Then he turned to his left. He emitted a high pitched, girly scream when he saw his dead son and a female ghost sitting on the living room couch. He stumbled backwards and fell into the China Cabinet with the 101 Dalmatian porcelain figurines.

"Dammit! Those were my favorite!" He cried.

* * *

_Shae here. Hope you're still reading at this point. And seriously, if you haven't read The Ghost of You by Crimsonmarie, read that first. This will make more sense, and trust me, her version is better. I plan to post a chapter each week, after her updates go up. The information in these chapters will correspond with what is happening there, but don't take anything that happens here as a hint to what is happening in her story. Many thanks to my Wifey, Crimsonmarie for not only allowing me to write this absurdity, but for sharing her writing with me, and with all of you. Love you babe. _

_ Until next time....._


	2. The One Where Edward's Car Gets Run Over

_**Disclaimer:** Stephanie Meyer owns all publicly recognizable characters and related things from the Twilight Universe. Crimsonmarie owns the orginal Ghostella, Snobward and all other characters we'll be introduced to._

_The ghostly presences in each chapter will change. Just keep that in mind. Edward is not a ghost anymore. It was all just a bad dream._

_Link to Cm's version: **fanfiction [dot] net/s/5946705/1**_

_Enough of the boring stuff. Onto the fun._

* * *

_**LA TIMES May 13, 2010**_

_**LOCAL – WESTSIDE – MAC TRUCK RUNS OVER DOUBE PARKED VOLVO**_

_**VENICE**__ police say that Becca Brady, a cosmetology student at SMC, left her Volvo S60R double parked at the corner of Pico and 14__th__ street early Friday morning. Around 5 am, a large crash was heard outside of the Palm Motel. Police responded within minutes to find a silver Volvo with pink flower decals stuck on what used to be the rear windshield. The official report is the driver of the large truck was speeding in the early hours, and was unable to see the Volvo parked in the traffic lanes. Ms. Brady could not be reached for comment. Edna Blanche was walking her pigeon when the crash happened. "It was crazy!" Blanche all but shouted. "Sophie, this little gal, nearly flew off the noise was so loud. And it gave old Freddy quite the scare. He fell right out of his roost! I tell you. Whoever had the gall to park such a pathetic vehicle in the road like that was certainly asking for trouble" The woman walked off muttering to her pigeon. Health Inspectors have been notified of Blanche's less than traditional pets. Authorities are still investigating the scene. Expect some delays on Pico near this intersection all week. So far, there have been no reports of injuries. _

_Check us out online for breaking news during the week at LATIMES._

* * *

Bella was gazing out the window of her old house when the most peculiar looking car came sputtering up the street. It looked like it used to be a silver sedan, but had been flattened within inches of being recognizable as a car – make and model be damned. What surprised Bella even more was above the sad noises the car was making, she heard a deep mumbling voice. "Who in their right mind double parks on Pico. Fucking seriously. All she had to do was turn the corner. Not like I didn't know where she was going anyways. And Cullen. Fucking Edward Cullen. He claims that I was his fucking prized possession, but if that was the case, why did he sell me to her. How hard would it have been to give me a more masculine name. I mean, Victoria? Seriously. Who comes up with that shit."

Bella shook her head and wondered aloud, "Can ghosts go crazy?"

"Hey… You in the window!" The deep voice called.

"Its official," Bella said to no one in particular. "I have gone crazy."

"Look. Lady. I know you're up there, and I know you can hear me. Us cars hear everything."

Bella looked back out the window, and saw the dilapidated car had rolled into the driveway.

"Can I help you with something?" Bella asked.

"Yea. Is this the house Cullen moved into?"

"Edward? Are you Victoria?"

"Don't even get me started on that. Do I sound like a fucking broad to you?"

"Well, um, no, but I thought…" she trailed.

"Everyone assumes us cars deserve girly ass names. Do I look like a girl to you?"

"You do have some pink flower stickers." Bella pointed out.

"That is the result of the same fucking genius that got me flattened in the first place. But enough about that. And let me tell you something about Cullen. He's a fucking pansy. Always caressing me like I was the only piece of tail he'd ever get."

"Oh. Um, well. Okay?" Bella was at a serious loss for words. What could she say an angry car who wants to be called "Zee"? "Edward should be back soon."

"Yea." Zee scoffed. "I've heard that one before."

"I'm gonna walk away from the window now," she called. "Feel free to make yourself comfortable."

She heard Zee acknowledge her, while she paced back and forth through the hallway, purposely avoiding any other windows.

Eventually, she heard the front door open. She made her way down the stairwell, and saw Edward drop his house key and jacket in a pile at the edge of the stairs.

"Edward!" Bella called out. "I'm so glad you're back. I have had the strangest afternoon!"

"You're a ghost Bella. Aren't all your days strange?" He sighed.

"This was stranger than normal."

"Stranger than discovering someone can actually see you?"

"Much."

Edward slumped onto the couch and kicked off his shoes. "Lay it on me."

"Well... Remember how you had to sell your car before moving up here?"

"Wait, how'd you know about that?" He interrupted.

"You talk in your sleep. Anyways. Have you read the news this morning?"

"Forks doesn't have a daily paper."

"Right. Forgot about that. Well, we have a visitor. His name is Zee."

"This isn't another ghost thing is it?"

"Erm, kinda?" Bella said quietly. "I think you used to call him Victoria."

"MY CAR?!?" Edward shouted. "You talked to my CAR? Can ghosts go crazy? Is that possible? Or maybe I'm the crazy one? I mean, you've met Esme, it's possible, right?"

"Just hear me out... Zee is really unhappy right now. That chick you sold him to, well she left him double parked on a busy street and he was pretty much flattened."

"So you're telling me that not only was my precious baby destroyed, she's here?"  
"He, Edward. You're car is a 'He' and well, the ghost of your car is here anyway. Somewhere."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"I wish I was." Bella sighed.

Without warning, Zee appeared in Edward's living room.

"Well, well, well." Zee said. "Look who finally decided to show up! Are you happy with this Edward. Is this what you had planned for me?"

Edward just stared slack-jawed at what used to be his prized possession. He wasn't even sure it really was Victoria. It certainly didn't sound like he'd imagined Victoria to sound like. Not to mention, the flattened look did nothing to help convince Edward this was the car he'd left in California.

Finally Edward spoke. "Prove it. Prove you're my Volvo."

Zee sighed loudly. "You had me customized to your specifications - custom sound system. Windows tinted just within California's legal limit. Upgraded suspension. Voice controls. And you had "Victoria" engraved on the rear bumper."

"Anyone could have known that," Edward reasoned.

"I'm not anyone. I'm a fucking ghost car for crying out loud. And you can see me just as well as you can your ghosty girlfriend here."

"He's got a point Edward," Bella reasoned.

"This is the last straw. I'm going for a drive," Edward said. "Oh wait. I can't. Because I left my car in California. And it's now a ghost in my living room. I knew leaving California was a bad idea. Very fucking bad."

Edward continued his rambling as he paced around the room.

Carlisle walked through the door a few minutes later. Esme could be heard singing outside still.

"Dad. Thank god you're home. Can you talk some sense into them?" Edward motioned to the living room. Bella and Zee started laughing, while Carlisle looked between the empty room and his son.

"Edward," Carlisle sighed. "I do not have time for this nonsense. We are not moving back to California."

"No, dad. You can't tell me that you don't see the car there?"

"The car is in the garage son. Where it belongs." Carlisle said. "Cut it out. I'm not in a mood to deal with this."

"I'm not making this up!" Edward shouted. Then he turned to the two ghosts. "Seriously. What the fuck are you two laughing at?"

"Edward! Language! You're father and I aren't laughing at anything." Esme said.

"Yes Edward, language," Zee mocked.

"They can't see us," Bell reminded him. "Only you can."

"Sorry mom, dad." Edward said, realizing his mistake. "I'm going to go for a walk. Clear my head."

Edward walked out the door, mumbling "First I wake up from a dream in which I was a ghost. Then there's a car-ghost in my living room. And Bella. And ARGH!"

With that, he started running down the street, only to hear the sputtering of Zee following him into the night.

* * *

_Hey. Shae here again. So… Victoria is actually a male, and wants to be called Zee. Who saw that one coming? (Crimsonmarie… you don't count.) Poor, poor Zee._

_The whole pigeon thing in the news story… very close to reality. But that's a story for a different time. Also. I feel like this needs to be stated. I have no affiliation with either Forks Forum or LA Times, both of which are legitimate news sources._

_Yes, the first chapter was all a dream. Just to clarify. Until next time..._


	3. The One Where Rosalie Goes Poof

_Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all publicly recognizable characters and related things from the Twilight Universe. All other publicly recognizable characters belong to their respective owners. Crimsonmarie owns the original Ghostella, Snobward and all other characters we'll be introduced to. *I* have taken it upon myself to completely screw with both universes. Before you light pitchforks and sharpen torches, know that I've cleared it with CM on twitter and gchat that she is in fact supportive of me writing this story._

_Link to Cm's version: fanfiction [dot] net/s/5946705/1_

_Enough of the boring stuff. Onto the fun._

* * *

_**FORKS FORUM May 20, 2010**_

_**BREAKING NEWS – LOCAL GIRL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS**_

_**Rosalie Hale**__, local beauty queen and high school heart breaker passed away earlier this week. An autopsy was not able to be performed, seeing as how all that was left was a pile of ash. Top scientists have been brought in from UW to explain this mystery. _

"_Obviously this is a classic case of combustion. Too much sun leads to free radicals building up in the blood stream. And everyone knows what happens when free radicals take over one's blood stream!" Xenophilius Lovegood__ of 'The Quibbler' commented._

_A scientist from UW, who asked to remain anonymous at this time, disagreed: "There is no scientific proof that spontaneous combustion of a human is even possible."_

_There will be a memorial service held next week, after the commotion has settled down. _

_The Hale family could not be reached for comment. So far no witnesses have come forward. If you have information, call the Forks Tip Line at (555) 555-5555._

_For more articles and news throughout the week, please visit us online at ForksForum._

* * *

Edward was sitting at the kitchen table with Crimsonmarie and Bella, when Esme and Carlisle finally made it home. Edward's new car was still waiting on some paperwork to be finalized at the dealership before he could drive it home.

Carlisle mumbled something about crazy small towns, and how it was no surprise they were paying him so much.

Esme practically floated into the kitchen. "Hello, Edward dear. Hello Crimsonmarie. How are you dears?"

"Good Esme, good." Cm replied.

"Good mom. What's up?"

"Oh nothing much. You're father is all upset. Apparently there's some crazy old woman who's claiming that her granddaughter just exploded into little bits of dust for no apparent reason. Obviously there's little proof of this, which is driving your father absolutely crazy. However, I have a feeling there's more to it than a crazy woman's delusion."

"Who was it?" Bella asked. Of course, Esme didn't hear Bella's question, so Edward repeated it.

"I think it was that nice girl I saw you talking to yesterday. Tulip, Iris, Lilac…No… Sunflower. Definitely Sunflower. Her hair was such a pretty golden color. Speaking of Sunflower, weren't you taking her out tonight?

"Sunflower?" Crimsonmarie asked, clearly perplexed.

"Yes dear, Sunflower. The pretty blonde girl who's always out in the sun."

"I think she means Rose," Bella whispered.

At that, Edward started laughing uncontrollably. "Rose. Combusted. From. Too. Much. Sun. Can't. Process."

"Edward, dear. It's not funny," Esme admonished. "I'm sure she was a very nice girl."

Bella was collapsed on the floor at this point, her ghostly self convulsing with laughter.

"I always teased Rose about getting too much sun. I _told_ her she would combust. Between the sun and the hairspray, something was bound to happen." Bella managed between giggles.

Crimsonmarie laughed at this thought as well. "This has Shae written all over it."

"Shae?" Edward and Esme asked at the same time.

"You know," Bella said. "Shae. Crimsonmarie's troublemaker of a wifey?"

"A close friend who is so in trouble next time I see her," Crimsonmarie replied, directing her response to Esme.

"Oh! The lovely lass I saw walking with that beat up silver car the other day? She seemed nice," Esme replied.

"You mean that surprisingly naughty Christian girl Crimsonmarie brought home for Christmas last year? Who was pretty damn hilarious, and her boobs smelled like fresh baked sugar cookies?"

Crimsonmarie and Esme raised their eyebrows in Edward's direction.

Bella slapped Edward upside the head.

"OUCH!" He cried. "I thought you said you couldn't hurt me?"

"You're such a baby." Bella replied.

"And you were asking for it," Crimsonmarie added.

Esme looked between the two people sitting at her kitchen table, completely baffled. "Children, what is going on? You're acting like there's another person here. I don't see any-"  
Esme stopped short when a light bulb went off in her head. "Wait. Is there a ghost? Where is he? Or she?"

Bella was giggling again. "I think we should let Edward handle this one, don't you, CM?"

"Oh definitely, Bella. Hear that Edward? The floor is yours."

"I, um. Seriously?" Edward stumbled. "Well, mom. So there's a ghost living in our house."

"Seriously?" Esme asked. "Ask her if we can have a séance, please?"

"She can hear you, mom. She's sitting right here." Edward motioned to the seat Bella was currently occupying.

"Of course she is dear." Esme patted Edwards head and mumbled something about how cute it was that he wanted attention.

"I'm not being _cute_ mom. I'm serious. There's a ghost."

"Of course there is dear," Esme said, her voice slowly fading as she walked back out of the room.

Edward was about to respond, when a crashing noise interrupted him.

The trio at the kitchen table jumped from their seats to investigate. What they found was Rosalie fuming in the doorway, one hand bracing herself against the door frame, the other outstretched from the motion of violently swinging the door open. Her chest heaved with the force of her breathing.

"You!" She bellowed when she saw Crimsonmarie standing there. "You put them up to this, didn't you?"

"Put who up to what?" Crimsonmarie asked.

"Rose? You're alive?" Edward asked.

"No shit. I'm standing here aren't I?" Rosalie spat.

"But we heard you, well, poofed," Edward stammered.

"POOFED?" Bella guffawed. "Seriously Eddie, poofed?"

Rosalie turned at the sound of Bella's voice, and the color drained from her face.

"What kind of fucked up practical joke it this? Bella _died. _I can't believe you'd play me like this."

"You can see me Rose?" Bella asked cautiously. "This can't be happening."

"Yes I can see you. Fucking imposter."

"Rose, It's really me. You're a ghost too. You're dead."

"But, Eddie and Crimsonmarie aren't dead. Are they?" The color was beginning to drain from Rosalie's face. "This can't be happening."

Rosalie sank to the ground as Bella walked over to comfort her friend.

"It'll be okay, we'll find away to fix this. I'm sure Crimsonmarie knows someone who can help."

"More like knows the someone who caused all this," Edward quipped.

Crimsonmaire smacked Edward. "Not helping _Eddie._"

"Life is just so unfair. I didn't even get to go to the diner to make Emmett jealous. And there was no awesome makeup sex, and just. This is all your fault!" Rose was glaring at Crimsonmarie again. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to tame hair after spontaneously combusting? Let me tell you. It's a pain in the ass. It's worse than taming sex hair on a humid summer afternoon. Though, I know how to rock that look."

"So what you're saying is, you're more concerned about your hair and sex than you are with being dead," Edward summarized.

"Pretty much. Not like you'd understand. Pretty sure the only sex you've had is with your hand and some dirty magazines."

"I'll have you know," Edward began.

"You can measure dicks later." Bella interrupted. "For now, can we sort this mess out. Crimsonmarie, please call Shae."

"But I wanted to see…"

"NO!" Shouted both ghosts.

"Just call Shae," Edward grumbled.

"Fine. But if she kills me in the next chapter, I'm haunting the fuck out of all three of you."

* * *

_SO. There's chapter three. How'd you like it? Who thinks Crimsonmarie is about to come after me with a pitchfork? _

_Many thanks to K for the Sunflower idea. _

_Until next time, _

_Shae_


	4. The One Where Shae Goes Bonkers

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all publicly recognizable characters and related things from the Twilight Universe. All other publicly recognizable characters belong to their respective owners. Crimsonmarie owns the original Ghostella, Snobward and all other characters we'll be introduced to. *I* have taken it upon myself to completely screw with both universes. Before you light pitchforks and sharpen torches, know that I've cleared it with CM on twitter and gchat that she is in fact supportive of me writing this story.

Please take the intro to this chapter with a grain of salt. Its crackfic people… just remember that.

Link to Cm's version: fanfiction [dot] net/s/5946705/1

Enough of the boring stuff. Onto the fun.

_**

* * *

FORKS FORUM May 26, 2010**_

_**BREAKING NEWS – DINER BRAWL ENDS IN TRAGIC DEATH**_

_**Shae Love**__, self proclaimed, renowned fanfiction writer has been arrested on murder charges__. She is currently awaiting a bail hearing, while being held at the Olympic Corrections Center. _

_Witnesses state that the victim, whose name is being withheld pending family notification, was having a quiet night, sipping hot chocolate while perched on a stool. Ms. Love is said to have come crashing in the door amidst an unusually violent thunderstorm. The victim seemed unaware of Love's presence until Love yanked her off the stool, spilling the hot chocolate across the counter. _

_Love has refused to comment on what provoked her attack on the victim. 911 was called, but the victim was pronounced dead before the paramedics arrived. _

_Diner owners are also seeking compensation for the broken glassware, cleaning costs, and lawyer fees. Witnesses sitting closest to the victim were severely burned by the spilled hot chocolate, and are now demanding that not there not only be warnings printed on the cups, but warnings visible for persons sitting near anyone who orders a hot beverage, that there is imminent danger involved with such concoctions. _

_Love will await trial at the Olympic Corrections Center unless she is deemed to be a danger to herself or other inmates. She is refusing to take any visitors, and all reporters must direct their calls to the station chief, before attempting to contact Love. _

_If you have any information regarding Love, or the incident, please call the Forks TipLine at (555) 555-5555. _

_For more articles and news throughout the week, please visit us online at ForksForum._

Shae POV

I paced back and forth across the too small cell. I was slightly claustrophobic, and these concrete walls were doing absolutely nothing to calm me. Killed someone? They think I killed someone? Okay, maybe I snapped a little bit. Seeing her in the diner last night, I couldn't help myself.

That goddamned meddling woman! I mean, really. She was just sitting there, drinking her fucking hot chocolate, acting like she didn't have a fucking care in the world.

And she had the audacity to act surprised when I showed up! She KNEW I needed her help. That I was counting on her. I'm still angry. But killed her? Obviously the morons at the Forks Police Department knew nothing. You can't kill someone who is already _dead_!

"Well, aren't you just a chipper little ray of sunshine today."

I spun quickly at the voice.

"Hah! I knew they had it wrong." I laughed in her face. "I knew I couldn't have killed you. You didn't have a physical body to kill."

Alice just danced back and forth on the tip of her toes, eyes laughing at me, taunting me, daring me to try again. I growled at her, the sound emanating deep within my chest. I lunged at her, and Alice quickly danced to the side, just far enough so I would miss her, and crash headlong into the bars.

"You okay in there?" The guard called from the hallway.

I groaned, rubbing the top of my head, which had taken most of the impact, while responding with "I'm fucking fine, but can you removed this unwanted visitor from my cell."

"Ma'am, there's no one in there with you. In fact, there's no one else in this block."

"Are you fucking blind?" I all but shouted at the officer.

"Silly Shae, he can't see me. Only you can. I can choose who does, and doesn't see me," Alice taunted as she danced about in front of me.

"I swear to god Alice, if I wasn't already locked up for killing you, and you weren't already dead, I'd kill you," I seethed.

Alice just smiled at me, and took a seat on my prison bed. I clenched the bars of the cell, and took some calming breaths.

"Officer," I called, in what I hoped was a sweet sounding voice. "I'm terribly sorry for the interruption. But, well, could I talk to you for a minute?"

"Be right there Miss," he sighed. I could hear papers shuffling, and the squeaking of the chair, then the heavy footfalls of the overweight police officer. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, Officer, you see, so much has happened today, and I'm a verbal processor, which means, I really just need to talk aloud in order to make sense of things."

"I can't stand here all night, I need to watch the phones."

"No, that's not what I was going to ask. I just wanted to tell you, if you hear me talking, or, um, yelling, there's nothing to be alarmed about. I'll let you know if I need anything else. M'kay?"

"Oh, Um, yea, okay."

"Thanks Officer," I replied with a coy wink. I waved him off, and watched him retreat back down the hallway. As soon as he was out of sight, I whirled on Alice. "You…. You have some explaining to do missy."

"I really don't see what the big deal is," she replied with a shrug. "So I wasn't around in chapter three. Big whoop-di-doo."

"No, Alice, it's not just a 'big whoop-di-doo'! Are you really that blind? I thought you were some sort of all knowing spirit guide. But no. You just show up when its fucking convenient."

"I think you need to spend some time with Esme and relax. It was one chapter. What's the big deal?"

"You have no idea. Alice, I was _counting_ on you to show up. I needed you to show up. Don't you get it?"

"Why? I'm here now?" She sighed deeply. "Shae, don't you think all this ghost-writing has started to get to you?"

"No! Yes, maybe, I don't know. A little?" I ran my hand through my hair.

"What did you need me for in Chapter Three anyhow?"

"I don't even remember," I said with a short laugh. "Probably something about messing with Edward again."

"You know I'm up for giving Edward a hard time," Alice said with a smile. She patted the bed beside her. "C'mon. Let's plot for Chapter Five."

I took a seat next to her, and pulled out my notebook.

"They let you bring that in here?" Alice asked, surprised I'd gotten the pen and spiral bound paper passed security.

"You have no idea how easy it was to convince the officer it was necessary." I replied with a wink.

"I like the way you think. So, Chapter Five?"

"Well, you see, I have some inside information from Crimsonmarie, and I think the you should sneak up on him right before – "

I was cut off by new voices floating down the hallway.

"Ooooh SHAEEEEEE!" The voice called.

"Dear lord, please let that be a real person." I prayed, and was soon disappointed.

"I've come to break you outta here!" The voice was accompanied by a rumbling sound. I looked up from the notebook, to see none other than Zee standing, well, whatever cars do, in front of me. "Hop in!"

"Zee!" Alice exclaimed. "Oh, you've seen better days my friend."

"Well, Well, Well if it isn't my main squeeze! Ali baby, how's the afterlife?"

"Oh you know, same old, same old. Though, this one does keep things interesting!"

"Don't I know it," Zee agreed. "So toots, what do you say? Jail break? We'll be like Laverne and Shirley!"

"Thelma and Louise," Alice added.

"Lucy and Ethel is more like it," I mumbled. "Ah what the hell. It's worth a shot."

I jumped into Zee's front passanger side, His run-in with the truck left him looking more like a convertible than a sedan nowadays, and let Alice sit behind the wheel.

"Everybody got their seatbelts on?" Zee asked. "It's gonna be a wild ride."

And with those famous last words, we drove off into the sunset, or as much of a sunset as one sees in Forks.

* * *

_So... who's still with me? _

_Anyone? _

_Oh HI! You're still here. Hope you're enjoying this as much as I am. I promise. No one was murdered, scalded, or jailbreak-ed in the making of this chapter. _

_Crimsonmarie said she's linking this in her next chapter... so... cue me hiding under a rock. _

_Until next time..._

_Shae_


End file.
